sorry for the length there is more blog below story
I started walking out of the house without any intention. I knew I would probably get lost quickly, not because I didn’t know where I was but because it was dark and there weren’t a lot of streetlights.
It had just stopped raining about an hour ago and the streets were still slick. The air was thick and you could feel it sticking to you as you walked. It made the lights look beautiful, though. Like floating firecrackers or something. I stopped and stared at the traffic light three blocks away.
I looked back. I could still see the porch of the house I left. There weren’t many people left. Just the people who normally came over to the house. I wasn’t one of those people. I was invited to the party by this girl I had gone on a couple of dates with. It was her 21st birthday. It was the first time she had invited me anywhere. She actually called me twice to make sure that I would come.
I went knowing that she wanted me to be everything great. She wanted me to be funny, sweet, charming. She wanted us to sneak into the kitchen by ourselves, where she would laugh at nothing in particular, staring into her drink. Then she would pretend to be sheepish and look up at me. And I would smile at her. Then we would have gone back to my apartment and I would have sex with her with a gentleness and a passion that she hadn’t felt before. She would always remember her 21st birthday. We would have left together and she would be walking with me right now, to her place or to mine. But, again, I’m walking home fucked up and by myself.